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| Your Young Adolescent's Social Life |
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During the pre-teen years (10 to 14-year-old), your child is starting to leave childhood behind and step out into the world. Your child will make new friends, reconnect with old friends, “talk” with friends online, and begin to have a social life that does not always involve you. How can you help your child navigate this new stage of life? The following information can help you understand the importance of friendship in these years and encourage healthy friendships in your child’s life. |
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Understanding the role of friendship in your child’s life
You may have already noticed that your child’s social life is suddenly very important. Your child may be asking to spend more and more time with friends, and less and less time with you. In fact you may hear complaints when your child is forced to spend time with family. Luckily, friends are the way your child learns about herself. Through friendship, your child learns about trust, responsibility, honesty, and compassion. This can be a challenging time for you as a parent, because your child will increasingly turn to friends and away from you. But this is a healthy and necessary milestone. Try to enjoy it as much as you can.
Meeting new friends
Junior adolescents are nervous about many things -- about their schoolwork, athletic abilities, changing appearance, and social lives and friendships. Some of them switch friends frequently. Others stay with a core group of friends throughout the pre-teen years. Still others have few friends. Fitting in socially becomes very important at this age. How can you help your child make new friends? What if you do not like your child’s friends? Here is some advice about these and other issues
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• Help your child stay in touch with old friends over the summer. This will help ease the transition to making new friends. Make plans with other families to meet for a barbeque or a trip to the museum during the summer holidays.
• Give your child support in the first few weeks of school. Do this through your actions and words. You might say, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Sometimes just providing a glass of milk and a snack is enough to show you care. As your child starts to adjust to school, encourage her to think about inviting new friends home. Offer to take your child and a couple of new friends to the movies on a Saturday.
• Encourage your child to maintain old friendships. Old friends can provide a safe place during this time of transition. However, this can be complicated because old friends may join a new group where your child feels unwelcome. Remind your child to think about the good times she had with old friends and how old friends can help each other because they know each other so well.
• Encourage your child’s involvement in extracurricular activities. This will help her meet potential new friends who share the same interests.
• Give your child space as she makes the adjustment. Understand that your child has to work out her feelings for herself. Do not intrude, but check in often to see how it is going. You might ask general questions like, “Did anything good happen in school today?” or “How is your friend Jenna doing? Are you still doing things together?” Your child may not be very talkative and may prefer the privacy of her own room, especially in the evenings. This is normal. If schoolwork and friendships are stable, do not worry and keep questioning to a minimum.
• Avoid jumping to hasty conclusions if you do not like your child’s new friends. Try not to judge other children based on appearance, style, or interests. Even when your child is having difficulty with a friend you do not like, this is not necessarily the time for you to jump in. You will find that your child responds best if you can help her understand her own uncertainties rather than point out a new friend’s shortcomings. Find out why she spends time with this friend. If necessary, let your child know that you do not think her friend is nearly as kind or fun as your child is. This may be the support your child needs to break away.
If you have reason to be concerned about a new friend or group of friends, do something about it. If a certain activity with a new group of friends concerns you (for example, they frequently go to a home where no parent is present), restrict that activity. |
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Peer pressure
The strong need to be accepted at this age means your child will try to follow the “rules” of the group -- the rules about how to dress, how to talk, what to watch on TV, where to go to have fun, or whom to speak with in the cafeteria. These outside influences on your child to act in a certain way are called peer pressure.
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• Realize that your child will do things to be accepted by the group. She may act or behave in ways that sometimes seem foolish as far as you are concerned. Avoid commenting on this behavior unless the choices your child makes are risky or unsafe. For example, peer pressure may affect your child’s taste in clothes or her wish to spend time at a nearby park on Friday afternoons. If it is harmless, let your child try it.
• Watch for bullying and teasing. Bullying and teasing are real problems in many schools. The victim can be anyone -- someone new to town, someone easily upset, or children from different backgrounds. Physical violence and harassment should never be tolerated. Get the help of the school if you have concerns about bullying and teasing. Enlist the support of parents whose children are victims. While your child cannot control a bully’s actions, she can work on her reactions to a bully. You can help your child by advising her on how to walk away from conflict. Help her think about new friendships.
• If you have concerns that your child is a bully, seek support. Children are bullies for many reasons: pent-up anger, a desire to win the friendship of another child or group, or sometimes a deep fear of not being tough enough. Discuss with your spouse, partner, or other family members how to help your child. Discuss your concerns with your school guidance counselor. Seek professional counseling if necessary.
• Be aware of how the media adds to peer pressure. Some TV programs model healthy relationships and others do not. Do not over-react by constantly criticizing the shows your child watches, but do become familiar with what your child is watching. Have occasional discussions with your child about what she sees on TV. You can help her understand what is make-believe and what is real by discussing the programs together. Restrict programs you feel are harmful. |
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Freedom and setting limits
Here is some practical advice from experts on curfews, parties, and other issues that come up during pre-teen years: |
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• Try not to make your child choose between friends and family. Plan ahead so that scheduling conflicts do not occur. For example, if you are arranging a family get-together, talk about it with your child in case she has made plans with friends for the same day. If it turns out there is a scheduling conflict, try to find a compromise solution.
• Curfews. Though your child may say she is old enough to handle a late night out, this is a time when plenty of sleep is still needed. Decide on a curfew that feels right for your family. Talk with other parents about what they consider an appropriate curfew. Be prepared to be firm with your child about your family’s policy. You can say, “Yes, our family is different. We think it is a good idea for you to be in by 9:00 p.m. on a Saturday night.”
• Boy-girl parties. These will be popular for some children at this age as children become more social than ever before. Here are some basic tips about boy-girl get-togethers:
- Boy-girl parties are appropriate if parents are present to chaperone.
- If a movie is planned, ask the hosting parent about its rating.
- Ask about music to be played if dancing is planned. Dancing is a great form of exercise but you may have concerns about inappropriate music or lyrics.
• Dating. Many parents ask, “Is dating appropriate among pre-teens?” Research shows that delaying early, steady dating also delays sexual activity. Your child, encouraged by peer pressure and by what she sees on TV, may want to try out dating in order not to be left out. Dating between preteen girls and older boys should be forbidden. Explain to your child that dating is for later on and encourage her to enjoy all her friends. In fact, most children this age prefer to socialize in groups.
• Think carefully about your rules and communicate them clearly and often. Take into account the areas where your child is pushing for independence. Your child may not like your final decision but she will respect it if you show that it is fair. Involve your child in discussions about freedom and limits. Talk about how rules may change in the future, when this might occur, and under what conditions.
• Grant freedom in stages. Every step toward independence is a learning opportunity. You know your child. Give her freedom in stages that you feel are safe and sensible given her age and maturity. For example, you might allow your child to go to the library or store on her own and then gradually increase the distance and time away from home.
• Make it clear that rules involving emotional and physical safety are unbending. This is where every parent must be a strong advocate. For example, continue to enforce rules about wearing a seat belt, a bicycle helmet, and rules about only going to homes where there is adult supervision. You might say to your child, “You may not go to parties where no adult is present.” Your child may disagree with you, but the decision will be tolerated if your child sees that this really matters to you.
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Providing a solid home base
Home is where you can help your young adolescent talk and think about friendship and peer pressure. Here are some ways to get a conversation going:
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• Let your child know you love her. Your child needs to know you believe in her. This means being open to and nonjudgmental about her choice of friends. • Listen to your child. Your child is trying to learn about herself through experiences with friends. Listening and providing occasional suggestions, especially about things she may not have considered about someone’s actions or words, can be very helpful. Illustrate your point with an example from your own childhood. • Talk about the pressure to engage in risky behavior, preferably before it happens. By the time your child is 13 or 14, she may be wondering about drugs, alcohol, dating, and other issues relating to friends. You can talk about subjects like these when you are in the car together or doing the dishes together. Be brief. Try to get across at least one important point. • Remember that your child is still a child. This is a confusing time for parents because some adolescents begin to look, act, and talk like adults. Many push their parents to give them the rights and privileges of an adult. But your child is still a child and still needs your gentle guidance. Because of peer pressure and eagerness to go along with the crowd, you may hear your child say, “Trust me, Mom,” or “I can handle it, do not worry.” You have to decide when your child can handle certain situations responsibly. • Talk about what you value about your friends. You could mention that a real friend is dependable, loyal, supportive, considerate, and respectful. Talk about what this means. During this age, children change friends frequently. Your thoughts will help your child figure out which friends she values and why, and cushion the impact of being rejected by a friend. • Watch for signs of loneliness or depression. The signs of depression include a sudden drop in grades, sleeping more than usual or having trouble sleeping, a change in appetite, withdrawing from family and friends, or lack of interest in activities your child once enjoyed. If you see signs of depression, seek professional help for your child. • Be your child’s advocate. If a situation with peers is causing a lot of discomfort for your child, talk with your child and find help. Solving the problem might include talking to the parents of your child’s friends or talking with the school guidance counselor. Problems could include the pressure to attend a party where alcohol will be available, or to smoke cigarettes, or to ridicule another child in order to be accepted by friends. |
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Support your child through this next phase of childhood. Get to know your child’s friends and welcome them into your home. Talk with your child about peer pressure and other issues, and let your child know you care. If you do this, your child will know to come to you to talk about friends, values, and the things that matter. An EAP Counsellor can assist by providing professional guidance in the area of parent/child relationships. If you feel there is an area where communication can be improved between you and your adolescent child, speak to an EAP Counsellor today.
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